What is the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they’re boring.
How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, ‘Why are all the blinds drawn?’ The nurse answered, ‘There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.’
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
‘Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.’ – Winston Churchill
What is the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
And this one is our absolute favorite (maybe because we love plain language):
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”