Write a policy that no one sees, reads, or believes.
Do you want to write a policy that adds no value whatsoever in perpetuity? The kind that reminds people of having a toothache? Here’s how to do it in 10 who’s-going-to-read-this-thing-anyway steps.
#1 Don’t think human.
Think robots with doctorates in technospeak.
You wouldn’t want to take the people who are going to use this policy into account when writing it, and you definitely don’t want to think about whether your policy fits their knowledge, backgrounds or accessibility constraints.
#2 Spend other people’s time unwisely.
Long and boring, that’s the ticket.
We all know that anyone who needs to read a policy has nothing better to do with their time than to wade through a couple of hundred extra pages.*
*not including addendums and annexures and definitions, oh my!
#3 Create maximum confusion about roles.
100% unclear, amiright?
Make sure there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of anyone being able to understand what they’re responsible for.
#4 Go on, lower morale.
Teamwork is overrated.
If you’re not muttering “Look upon my works ye mighty and despair” when creating a policy are you even trying?
#5 Dial up the legalese.
It’s not sub-par if there’s no sub-clause.
Under no circumstances write in plain language. It might give people the idea they can easily and quickly find important information that they need in their day-to-day jobs. Short sentences? I think not.
Bonus points for never using images or graphics to explain something if 10,000 words will do the job just as well.
#6 Talent attraction, who needs it?
Who needs good people.
Do not use your policy as a tool to attract talented future employees. Ignore the fact that good policies help create a kick-ass company culture.
#7 Hide it
Put the guess work into your business.
While you’re about it, don’t forget to hide your policy in the electronic equivalent of a dusty filing cabinet in the basement.
Everyone will have to spend a lot of time searching for it. Oh, how they’ll laugh and laugh.
#8 Don’t let anyone know where to ask for help.
Help wanted? Well sorry for you.
Ensure that your policy does not include any details of where people can go to ask questions or find help. We mean it, delete those contact details right now.
#9 Add more risk.
More. No, no, even more.
Careful, you wouldn’t want to accidentally create a values-based policy that helps protect your employees, customers and your business when we all know organisations flourish under maximum risk.
#10 Do not monitor your policy.
Measure impact? Pfft, don’t be silly.
Who would want to gain useful insights into how a policy is being implemented.
Wait, you actually want a policy that people read and act on?
You’re a clever sausage.
Now go on, send us a DM.